Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Lost Baby...

Today I lost my baby. I hate that term. Loosing something involves not knowing where it is. Like I lost my kid in a grocery store. Or Walmart. And hey, I’ll admit… I’ve almost done that once with my oldest birth son, Wesley. He’s always been a wanderer and thankfully he talked to everyone he met. Someone realized he was alone and returned him to us. Disaster averted.

But this is different. I “lost” my baby, but I know right where he is. He’s still inside of me. At least I think the baby was a “him.” I saw him today. Arms. Legs. Head. But no heart beat. He died last week. I didn’t know. What kind of mom doesn’t know when something happens to her baby? I know, I know, he’s inside of me and I had no way of knowing. But still… I’m his mom, I should have known something.

I realize he was only ten weeks old and lots of people think it’s no big deal. He never came out and I never really got a chance to know him. But he’s still mine. He was still real, at least to our family. We’d already planned his bedroom and how to rearrange the rest of the kids so we’d all fit in the car.

I realize I have four kids and this one was number five. Lots of people probably think I should be thankful for the kids I have and move on. I am thankful for them. They’ve been incredible today. Lots of hugs. Weird questions that only kids can ask.

I’m avoiding the phone like the plague. I’m not ready to talk. But I cry. And cry. And cry. And my poor husband just hugs me. He’s a good man. So why am I writing here? Well… I figure anyone who actually read this thing has long since given up that I’d ever post again. Consequently, there’s not much (if any) audience out there. I had to put my heart out there somewhere and get this noise out of my head.

My “procedure” is tomorrow. At least they’ll knock me out. I can appreciate that much. My distended belly will soon go away and there will be nothing left but a grainy black and white picture of my little man. No handprint. No video. Nothing much to commemorate his short life.

But he’s not lost. I know right where he is.

With Jesus.